The Vices of Chanukwanzaa - A Tale of Fan-Ball Legend

HS 00FF00 (💡)HS 00FFFF (⽊)

Introduction
HS 824242 (Yes hello, LAT here, or if formalities are your sort of thing, Mercuron Shamdon Kao, at your service. You will find yourself in a space of augmented canon, where the causality of events is irrationally determined. As such, while the happenings of this story do in fact impact that of the overarching tale, many major and minor elements alike will likely be tampered with to fit in with the grand thing that is All. As the proto-Ludusians would say, take what you hear here with a grain of salt. I think that's all you need to hear, so without any further interruptions, minus the few that will forseeably happen, let us bask in the glorious mediocrity of online fiction. No misprints.)

Chapter 1: Industria
A strange ship lands in what seems to be the rubble of what used to be Cravolca Labs. A bloody Vamgreed skull still lies atop one of the collapsed neuronium pillars. A strange figure approaches.

???: Yes, yes, this is it!

It pulls out a small round, shiny object. The object glows with a fiery energy.

The figure, along with several bodyguards, head back to the dusty ship, and launch into the sky, leaving no evidence of their existence. Their cloning machine then begins its' process. A video-conference is started up. Several more shadowy figures appear on the screen as the guards stand by.

???: Soon, a new order of darkness shall reign. We shan't make the same mistake as Carmilla, ours will be a creed of efficiency.

???: HS AC00FF (I pray to Tenebrae for your own fate that what you say is true. And what of her remaining minions, those who fell to the temptation of the fiber?)

???: Do not worry, they will be assimilated into our cause. And if not, we still have those messed-up devil children to deal with them.

???: HS 620000 (I'm still not entirely on board with using my former disciple to spread a disease. It doesn't sit right with me and I'm sure that mother Gaia would not approve of it.)

???: HS AC00FF (Don't you worry about Gaia, ever since you made this creature you have had no chance in hell of repenting in front of her. If you're going to divert from her path anyway, it'd be in your best interests to fully embrace the dark route.)

MEANWHILE
Poisonshot: THE CRAVOLCA IS BACK!!!!!!!!! HELL YA!!!!!!!!!

Delinius: Excuse me, I thought someone got rid of him? Surely something that evil isn't allowed to ever return...

HS 3505AA (okay wait a minute mori fuck,, what)

HS 253698 (What's the problem?)

HS 3505AA (isnt this just a fuckin reskin of the dr sand intro)

HS 253698 (Uh...)

HS 3505AA (just imagine the incomprehensinlbe shitstorm when dms finds you reviving cravolca mori do you not know that your actoins have consquences)

HS 253698 (What are you talking about? I didn't revive Cravolca, I have much better uses of my necromancy powers than that.)

HS 131B4F (will i also get to be a character in this story?)

HS 253698 (I'm pretty sure that was just for Muerteween.)

HS 32CD32 (And hey. What about me? I wasn't even in the Muerteween story. When I should have been.)

HS 00FF00 (FOMG IT'S SANFORD!!!!11!1!111!!)

HS 3505AA (yknow what fuck it lets just continue writing this shit but dont say i didnt warn you..,.)

HS 253698 (Oh, hush, you. Now stop breaking the fourth wall. That's Pinkie's job.)

HS 131B4F (i think that i am still here from the last story because the spell apparently did not wear off yes?)

HS 253698 (That and the Splinters weren't killed, which is why you're characters here.)

HS 824242 (Heck yeah)

HS FF0000 (*BANS EVERYONE*)

HS 3505AA (i wanred you meng I WARNED YOU DOG)

HS 253698 (\\falls down an infinite amount of stairs\\)

HS 3505AA (i WARNED YOU ABOUT THSOE cONSQUENCES)

HS 253698 (IT KEEPS HAPPENING)

HS 630031 (HELL YA!!!!!!)

HS FD7306 (Well, at least I TRIED TO MAKE SENSE. Is there anyone else who wants to make this an actual story?)



HS FD7306 (... I need to eat something unless you want a rant *eats multiple burritos)

meanwhile
Revelian: u kno zosehi dark matter are a lot like le onion.,...

Zoshi: *le troll zoshi fdace* because both have le stink?

Revelian: *le reblian face* zosheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Real!Revelian then came over and banned the fake Revelian and Zoshi.

Revelian: NOW THEN... *assends*

Revelian then went KAISER MODE and made Celsesthchia explode.

MEENWHOLE
HS AC00FF (B)HS 00FFAC (E)HS 808080 HS AC00FF (P)HS 00FFAC (E) HS AC00FF (H)HS 00FFAC (E)HS AC00FF (H)HS 00FFAC (A)

Amory's Bizarro counterpart then emerged from the portal. However, Amory stayed there, causing Zalgo to appear because reasons and explanations that make sense and shit.

ELSEWHERE
While this was happening, Poisonshot was buried under a pile of burritos and cake. A note was found on the pile:

HS FD7306 (Whatever the Cravolca 1s; 1 don't l1ke it: Maeybe Po1sonshot needs to be cleaned ae b1t as there's a lot of sauce on the burr1tos.) Poisonshot was found alive and indeed covered in sauce, garlic sauce to be exact. He said a bird was talking to him and described it as being a phoenix. Who the phoenix was and why they did this is unknown. Poisonshot was cleaned up and sent off. A small party tracked down the phoenix to find it suddenly disappear. They then apparently were attacked by a flying table and smashed to death. The phoenix, or whatever it is, has not been caught yet. Another note was found.

HS FD7306 (Oh, what's this? Coming after me? Don't bother. I'm after this Cravolca thing, whatever it is. If Poisonshot likes it, it must surely be evil.)

It is rumored that a certain Soul Flame is behind all of this.

sanford meanwhile
Sanford: You know what? I'm tired of being a crappy minor character in this story. I'm going to go out. And do something great. Who's the main villain in this one? I'm gonna go out and kill that guy. Yeah.

Ludicrine: OH HEY LEMME GO WITH-

Sanford: Sure. Whatever. Eeird angel guy. I'll probably need help or something. Usually these scenarios play out like that.

LUDICRINE HAS JOINED YOUR PARTY!

Sanondorf: So yeah. Now. Wait. What happened to my name?

Sanford: Okay. That's better. Anyway. We're going to go find this guys' base. Probably in some hot springs or something. And we're gonna storm it. That's the plan. Right.

Delinius then runs towards them.

Delinius: Lemme go with-

Sanford: Alright. Glowing dude. You probably have a reason to join me. Let me hear it.

Delinius: I possess an axe, a bow and a sword. I can do a lot of different things?

Sanford: I don't think. We need you. What's the glowing from.

Delinius: Ehh... I... OKAY I USE MAGIC AND YOU HATE THAT. AND NOW YOU WILL TRY TO KILL ME.

Sanford then stabs at Delinius. Delinius becomes a Soul Flame and floats away, taking no damage from the hook.

Delinius: I knew it. You may despise of magic, but I will be going after that bad guy as well. Also, if you attack me you have yourself an angry god attacking you. Not that you would care. All that matters to you is that magic is bad.

Sanford: I don't want your magic bullshit! You WILL die.

Delinius: You can try all you want with that hook, but you can't hurt me with that in my current form.

Delinius laughs and disappearifies.

Sanford: THE NEXT GLOWING ASSHOLE WHO ISN'T FUCKING BIOLUMINESCENT OR SOME SHIT. IS GONNA GET FUCKED UP. GOD DAMNIT.

And then some glowing asshole who wasn't fucking bioluminscent or some shit got fucked up.

Sanford: FUCK YOU.

You proceed to go through all this and accomplish absolutely nothing. Good job, guys.

HS 32CD32 (NO FUCK THAT. WE'RE LEAVING NOW.)

and then they left
bluh

Cravolca was unfazed by your bluhs!

Sandford used hook! It's somewhat effective!

Ludicrine used anchor! It's somewhat effective!

Cravolca used fire! It's very effective! Sanford and Ludicrine have been knocked out!

Ludicrine begins to go into a strange trance while unconscious...

Intermission 1: Memewhile,
Ludicrine: ...

Narrator: ...

Busta: ...

Busta: Yeah...

Ludicrine: ...

Busta: Check it out, see

Busta: The only thing you need to do right here is,

Ludicrine: *Sweats*

Busta: Is nod your [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] head

Busta: Yeah, yeah

Busta: Break ya [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] neck, [EXPLETIVE REDACTED]

Busta: Yeah, yeah

Busta: Here we go now...

Busta: Where we goin' now?

Busta: Where we goin' now?

Busta: Give it away, give it away, give it away now

Busta: Give it away, give it away, give it away now

Busta: Just give it away, [EXPLETIVE REDACTED]

Busta: Yeah, here we go now

Busta: Tell me wat'chu really wanna do

Twista: Come here, ma

Busta: Talk to a [EXPLETIVE REDACTED], talk to me

Busta: You look like you could really give it to a [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] from the way you talk and the way ya try to walk from me

Busta: The way you really try to put it on a dog

Busta: Through ya hips like ya never did before for me

Busta: The way you break yo' back, and I break yo' neck and the way you try to put it on the floor for me

Busta and Twista: Come on! Come on, come on! Oh yeah! Tell me where my [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] is at, okay!

Busta: Lemme address y'all [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] one time, while I lock that down, and I hit'cha wit that

Twista: YOU GONE!

Busta: That bomb [EXPLETIVE REDACTED], y'all [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] gone all day be the [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] in the drop

Busta: Y'all [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] know every time I come through, this [EXPLETIVE REDACTED], where we always takin' the ride

Busta and Twista: So let me do this [EXPLETIVE REDACTED]

Busta: Y'all [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] know when we come, we be makin' it flop, the way we makin' it hot'll make a [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] wanna- stop!

Gold Tooth: *Gleams*

Busta: Get money, then cash that check for me, all my [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] just bust yo' tech for me

Busta: Everybody from every hood bang yo' head 'til you break yo' [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] neck for me!

Busta and Background Singers: Just let me give you real street [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] to rap in yo' [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] with

Busta and Background Singers: Recline yo' seat rewind this heat, keep bouncin' up and down these streets

Busta and Twista: So nod yo' head and

Busta and Twista: Break yo' neck, [EXPLETIVE REDACTED]!

Busta and Twista: Break yo' neck, [EXPLETIVE REDACTED]!

Busta and Twista: Break yo' neck, [EXPLETIVE REDACTED]!

Busta: Bang yo' head until you start to

Busta and Twista: Break yo' neck, [EXPLETIVE REDACTED]!

Busta and Twista: Break yo' neck, [EXPLETIVE REDACTED]!

Busta and Twista: Break yo' neck, [EXPLETIVE REDACTED]!

Busta and Twista: Break yo' neck, [EXPLETIVE REDACTED]!

Busta and Twista: Break yo' neck, [EXPLETIVE REDACTED]!

Busta and Twista: Break yo' neck!

Busta: Come along now!

Twista: Let's put it down, [EXPLETIVE REDACTED]!

Busta: When I bounce back and you know I done caught my breath, y'all [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] all know how we do

Busta: When the way we bang [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] in the head, and we do it to death

Twista: We fold 'em back, [MISTRANSLATED TEXT]!

Busta: The fire boy, you know we bakin' a ounce, I know you love the way we be givin' you the music, makin' you bounce

Busta: Now [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] it up just a little for my [EXPLETIVE REDACTED], everytime we come through [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] know that we did it for y'all

Hillbilly Busta: Uh-huh?

Busta: And the way we do it for the people, [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] know we always give it to y'all

Probably Not Phil and/or Brent: I said bounce!

Busta and Twista: Come on!

Busta: In the day time or the night, when ya creepin' along, we'll just bang this [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] up in the truck

Busta: While you break yo' neck, now, [EXPLETIVE REDACTED], try to figure my flow

Busta: See the way we come right through?

Busta and Twista: When we come right through!

Busta: We be always blowin' the spot, again and again, and make a [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] really wanna- STOP!

Pause: *Is hold*

[EXPLETIVES REDACTED]: *Are stopped*

Busta: Better tell yo' crew, yo' peeps all my [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] better put they troops on

Busta: And gather up your soldiers [EXPLETIVE REDACTED], you know you better keep yo' boots on

Busta: All my [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] in the place!

Let's be honest Twista doesn't really do anything in this song: And you!

Busta: Wave your hands high now! And the way we put it down, make a [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] wonder what he really gonna try now

Busta: What'cha really wanna do? Just place your bet, and put'cha money where ya mouth is

A very confused Twista: Ah-hu?

Busta: All my [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] in the street just break yo' neck and keep on boun-cin!

BC Shepard Busta: *Appears*

Ram: *Is there*

BC Shepard Busta: ...

Ram: ...

BC Shepard Busta: ... Hmph.

BC Shepard Busta: *Poorly synced with voice* You want to ram with me? Hmph.

(A slow-motion scene of BC Shepard Busta headbutting a charging Ram takes place. Busta rams the charging Ram once more, which falls over and moans, dead.)

BC Shepard Busta: *Meanders over to dead Ram* Wat'chu sayin' now, [EXPLETIVE REDACTED]?

BC Shepard Busta: *Angrily* I told you! I would break yo' [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] neck, you mean-faced [EXPLETIVE REDACTED]!

BC Shepard Busta: *Sheds manly tear, tosses hat*

Narrator: ...

Ludicrine: ...

...: ...

... Busta and Twista: Break yo' neck!

Busta: Here we go now! And you know everytime the Busta-Bus be holdin the fort, my [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] watch how we shuttin' it down

Busta: The way we put it on, comin' through like a steamroller, me and Dre [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] ain't no [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] around

Busta: My [EXPLETIVE REDACTED]

Twista and Dr. Dre: WHAT!

Busta: Yeah, whattup, me and my team got a link cuz you know we stay choppin' it up

Busta: And when get up in the club, or how my [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] at the bar how we lockin' it up

Busta: And we get a little-

Twista: High!

Busta: Get a little-

Twista: Drunk!

Busta: Get a little-

Twista: Crunk!

Busta: Come on! Lemme give y'all [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] some [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] that'll make you wanna bang this out yo' trunk

Busta and Twista: Come on!

Busta: Get money, then cash that check for me, all my [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] just bust yo' tech for me

Busta: Everybody from every hood bang yo' head 'til you break yo' [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] neck for me!

Busta: Get money, then cash that check for me, all my [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] just bust yo' tech for me

Busta: Everybody from every hood bang yo' head 'til you break yo' [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] neck for me!

Busta and Background Singers: Just let me give you real street [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] to rap in yo' [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] with

Busta and Background Singers: Recline yo' seat rewind this heat, keep bouncin' up and down these streets

Busta and Twista: So nod yo' head and

Busta and Twista: Break yo' neck, [EXPLETIVE REDACTED]!

Busta and Twista: Break yo' neck, [EXPLETIVE REDACTED]!

Busta and Twista: Break yo' neck, [EXPLETIVE REDACTED]!

Busta: Bang yo' head until you start to

Busta and Twista: Break yo' neck, [EXPLETIVE REDACTED]!

Busta and Twista: Break yo' neck, [EXPLETIVE REDACTED]!

Busta and Twista: Break yo' neck, [EXPLETIVE REDACTED]!

Busta and Twista: Break yo' neck, [EXPLETIVE REDACTED]!

Busta and Twista: Break yo' neck, [EXPLETIVE REDACTED]!

Busta and Twista: Break yo' neck!

Twista: *Dances the robot*

Busta and [EXPLETIVES REDACTED]: *Are still stopped*

Hillbilly Busta: *Runs and smiles*

Gold Tooth: *Gleams*

Red Busta: *Angrily shakes fist at camera*

Busta: *Creepily grimaces at camera*

Busta and Dr. Dre: *Urgently has sex with steamroller*

Busta and Dr. Dre: *Still urgently has sex with steamroller*

Different Hillbilly Busta: *Eats*

Red Busta: *Shoves background dancer out of way*

Red Busta: *Angrily pumps fists at camera*

Red Busta: *Angrily and inexplicably begins beating up background dancers*

Ludicrine: *Cries*

Narrator: *Also cries*

Better Narrator: *Slaps Narrator, pulls Ludicrine out of the dream realm*

BAK2STR-
Ludicrine: *wakes up*

Sanford is still knocked out.

Cravolca: DID YOU THINK YOU WOULD STOP ME?

Carvolca is then fried.

Suddenly, Stickbeard appears.

Stickbeard: GET YOUR FRIED CRAVOLCA HERE! WE HAVE PREMIUM FRIED CRAVOLCA MEAT, FOR REASONABLE PRICES.

Attracted by the smell of meat, many main characters gather to the vender.

Samuel: Does this taste good on pizza?

Stickbeard: Don't fucking know.

Sanford: *wakes up* Wait. Who fried Cravolca?

Delinius: It was I! I used my magic powers to save you! Wait-

Before Delinius could tell Sanford that he'd already predicted that he was going to be stabbed, Sanford stabbed him.

Sanford: BLUH MAGIC IS EVIL

Of course Delinius somehow dodges it or escapes or is revived later on. I honestly don't know what happened to him, but that kind of stuff always happens in the stories. He did remark something about Sanford, however.

Delinius: Your aversion against magic I understand, Sanford. I know you've suffered from magic users. What's so sad is that it makes you a very bitter man. Perhaps you will never understand it.

Mori pulls him aside.

Mori: Er, RF, whatever you know about Sanford is likely not true for this one. You forget that he's a Splinter, not the real thing. He's only based on the memories of living people, not his own. Since, knowing my history, it was a known fact that he was a hater of magic, I'm pretty sure he just hates magic because people remember that he did, not because he actually went through suffering.

Delinius: Oh wait, you mean this is still the thing with the 'ghosts that aren't ghosts but other things?'. Hm. I suppose I went a little overboard there. Wait, if we could change the memories about- nah, that would be ridiculous. Forget that.

Sanford: What the fuck are you talking about over there? Exchanging magic spells. I bet. That's what magic people do. DeCurro. They always talk about their magic. Annoying holes.

Ludicrine: Uh, dube, I use magic too.

Sanford: I. Am going to pretend I didn't hear that.

Sam(ford): ohlohloh

Delinius: Well then. If nobody needs me here, I am getting out of here before I'm stabbed with a hook *stabbed with hook by Sanford*

Sanford: Got you, magical bastard!

Delinius briefly intends to attack Sanford, but changes his mind, turning into a Soul Flame again.

Delinius: WELL THEN. I REALLY SHOULD LEAVE BEFORE THIS SANFORDSPLINTER KILLS ME.

Delinius then turns into a human again.

Delinius: WHAT?!?!?!?!?!??!!?1!?!?!?!?1?!/1?!?!!?!?/1?!/!?1/!?!?!?!?!?!!!1!eleventy-twelve!!!!11@?!!1!!!!?!?!!!!11/!?1?!!!!

Splinterford: MY HOOK HAS MAGIC-CANCELLING PROPERTIES.

Delinius: OH NOES!

Poisonshot: OH NOSE!

Sanford then stabs Delinius in the leg.

Delinius: SANFORD HAS STABBED ME A LEG!

Ludicrine: NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER DO THAT! (Never do it because it's bad, lmao)

Poisonshot: SANFORD, WHY ARE YOU EVIL?

Sanford: BECAUSE I AM NOT SANFORD, I AM CRIMEFORD!

Dwin: NUUUUUUUUUUUOUOUOUOOUUOUOUOUOUOUUOUOUOUOUOUOUOUOUO(continues)

Mune: ouo

Sam(ford): ohlohlohLOHLOHLOH

Fire InThe Hole (which is just Delinius except human) becomes Crime InThe Hole. He kicks Sanford into a nearby trash can and enters a hole that suddenly exists because you know it has to happen.

CITH: HAHAHA I R IN HOLE. I R WAIT AND KILL SANDROF WHEN HE NOT LOOKIN.

Sam(ford): We must pull the crime out!

Sam then sends a SAM (Surface to Air Missile) into the hole and launches him out.

Samuel: We are success.

Crime InThe Hole then smacks down into the nearby trash can and becomes Fire InThe Hole again, i.e. Delinius.

Delinius: OUH.

Dwin: DO I HAVE TO RAGE? *undoes Splinterford's magic-cancelling hook*

Delinius: HAHA YEAH! *possesses trash can* I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU GET ME THIS WAY!

Sanford then kicks the trashcan down the cliff into a plane full of dynamite.