User:Fire InThe Hole/Cookbook Calamity: (S)quid est nomen?

NOT SAFE FOR CONSUMPTION

 This story contains the horrible tale of someone defying all the rules of a cookbook. If you are a cook, please avert your eyes and nose.

Introduction
It's a story, written by Fire. Funny, innit? Especially with the blue name it's a little ironic. REGARDLESS. This has absolutely no relation to Sanford Quid, Squidward, or any actual cephalopods. Nor does it relate to cuttlefish, even if they are noble animals.